# 🔥 HELLFIRE — MAYBE DON’T COPY THIS ONE
Last week, F5 Hellfire proudly announced they were taking inspiration from T2 team **Cold Blooded**, adopting their tactics in an attempt to revolutionise the way they play.
Unfortunately, Cold Blooded have since **disbanded.**
Oh dear.
That’s one hell of a tactical endorsement. 😭
Let’s just hope Hellfire don’t take the “Cold Blooded experience” a little too literally and disappear off the face of the fucking earth next.
Maybe try copying a team that still exists lads.
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# 🔵 F5 BLUE — MATTY RETURNS FROM HIS WORLD TOUR
After an extensive period of **“holibobs”** with his mum, F5 Matty has finally returned to England.
Sources claim Matty spent his time laying by the pool, soaking up the sun and enjoying a refreshing **“Just Coke”** because he isn’t old enough for a Gin and Tonic
Welcome home, little man. 🇬🇧
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# 🧤 SHIMO — THE AUDACITY
F5 Shimo has announced that he believes he is only a **week or two** away from returning to competitive goalkeeping.
Lovely.
However, our independent source — **Shimo himself** — has informed F5 News that the F5 teams will be trying out for HIM, rather than him trying out for the teams.
**What the fuck??** 😭
Imagine turning up to a goalkeeper trial and being told:
“Alright Shimo, what can YOU offer US?”
And he responds:
“No no no. What can YOU offer ME?”
The confidence is admirable. The delusion is even better.
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# 📈 PROSPECTS — MONTH 2 COMPLETE
Month 2 of the F5 Prospect Programme is officially coming to an end, with our current prospects entering their final week.
And somehow, against all odds…
**McKy hasn’t offed himself yet.**
A monumental achievement.
With his sanity still hanging on by approximately one fucking thread, McKy has decided to continue into **Month 3.**
He’ll be reaching out to everyone who has applied for Month 3 **this week,** so keep an eye on your DMs.
Good luck to everyone involved.
You’re going to need it.
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# 🎤 F5 TEAM NIGHT — WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
False 5 recently hosted a spectacular reinvention of the legendary panel show **Would I Lie To You?**, all in the name of winning a free **Dubby tub.**
And what a night it was.
Among the absolutely fucking believable claims:
** Blakey has a mate who’s a murderer.**
**McKy got arrested in Disneyland.**
**Styx called the Feds because he saw a dressing gown commit suicide.**
**Cryo spends her holidays brutally rejecting boys.**
Honestly, we’re not even sure what’s worse — the lies or the that these are actually true.
A massive congratulations to **2YearsLater** and **STaTiCz**, who came out on top and secured the victory.
Champions of bullshit. 🏆
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# 🕵️ NEW SEGMENT — “I BET THAT’S NOT TRUE”
McKy has now introduced a brand-new F5 News segment, **“I Bet That’s Not True”**, where he asks the F5 roster for their “juicy gossip.”
The intelligence operation has begun.
And the results were…
**Fucking useless.**
**F5 Zmacker:**
“McKy’s growing a handlebar moustache.”
**Prospect Tricko:**
“Ronaldo’s retiring and I’m gonna kill myself when he does.”
**F5 Olise:**
“McKy’s swapping his vape flavour.”
Cheers lads.
**Insightful.**
The F5 News investigative department will be requesting actual gossip next week.
Preferably something that doesn’t involve McKy’s facial hair or vape.
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⚫ F5 BLACK
**F5 Black trained.**
After what feels like several geological eras of absolutely fuck all,**Thank fuck they’ve decided to switch things up** (NOT)
After completing his time in the Prospect Programme, **Kerniit** is set to join F5 Black in a second defender position.
Congratulations, mate.
Now you get to discover that Black’s training sessions are somehow even more confusing than the Prospect Programme.
Good luck training. You’re going to fucking need it. 🖤
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**📰 THAT’S ALL FOR THIS WEEK**
Another productive week at False 5.
Stay cocky. Stay toxic. 🟡⚫🔵